100 things

1. I’m not crazy about taking showers, but I absolutely hate taking baths.
2. My father died of ALS. It was awful.
3. My mom is still alive and well, though convinced, at any given point in time, that she’s got at least three ailments requiring immediate medical attention.
4. I love clipping my toenails.
5. I also love cows.
6. I was old when I lost my virginity.
7. Like, really old.
8. Okay, I was 22. At least I was in love! That’s more than you sluts can say for yourselves.
9. I was also late getting my period (18—just think of all the sex I could have had without worrying about getting pregnant!), and late getting my driver’s license (21).
10. Otherwise, I’ve always been very punctual.
11. I sound like an idiot when I talk; on paper, the situation improves dramatically.
12. I have a terrible sense of direction.
13. I loathe the words purse and panties.
14. My best friend is a man.
15. I haven’t read any of the Harry Potter books.
16. I was 11 weeks pregnant at my wedding.
17. All three of my kids were born by c-section: the first, because of fetal distress; the second, because of failure to progress (labor for two-and-a-half days, stuck at eight centimeters for 4 ½ hours); the third, scheduled because after two c-sections it’s hard to find anyone who will let you try, but coincidentally I went into labor the night before, which made it all okay in my mind, and besides, by then I’d gotten used to the routine, and was also kind of looking forward to the morphine.
18. I had my tubes tied after Lilah was born. I mean right after. As a gynecologist I saw earlier on the pregnancy put it, “We’ve got you opened up anyway. Your uterus is literally right there in our hands. We might as well get it taken care of at the same time.”
19. I always pictured fallopian tubes being tied in a pretty little bow. The smell of burning flesh as I was lying there in the OR cleared that image out of my head.
20. I absolutely loved being pregnant.
21. Sometimes I wish I had more babies just so I could be pregnant again, and also so I could put to use all the names on my list, but other than that, I’m all set.
22. Lilah was not planned. We considered having an abortion.
23. When I was a kid, I wanted braces so badly I used to walk around with a string bean bent around my teeth. Or a paper clip.
24. I also really wanted freckles and glasses.
25. I’m only 5’2”, and it sucks ass.
26. I weigh a lot more than anyone guesses I do.
27. Muscle, baby, muscle.
28. I’ve never puked from drinking, though I’ve certainly done my fair share of drinking.
29. I’ve also done more than my fair share of puking.
30. That’s bulimia for you. So glamorous.
31. I have nice calves.
32. I need a lot of sleep, and I usually get too little, so I nap frequently to compensate. But no more than once a day. I’m disciplined like that.
33. I never went trick-or-treating as a kid. My dad wouldn’t let us because Halloween isn’t a Jewish holiday.
34. I’m Jewish.
35. For decades, I had recurring dreams about the Holocaust.
36. I’m really nosy.
37. I saw Steven Wright at a bar in Cambridge once. I was drunk enough to go up to him and tell him how brilliant I thought he was. I think he just thought I was annoying.
38. I’ve been hospitalized twice for depression.
39. I used to be able to bench press my weight.
40. I have a tattoo on my left hip. It’s a butterfly, but not at all fabulous like butterflies are. It looks more like a moth.
41. I wish I hadn’t gotten it.
42. Oh well.
43. I used to think I was boring, but I’m over that. The tattoo really helped with that one.
44. That’s a joke.
45. I don’t believe in God.
46. Maybe that’s why I’m afraid of dying.
47. I’m afraid of a lot of things.
48. I get hot very easily and cold very easily. I’m comfortable at 68 degrees.
49. I hate playing cards and board games. Oh my god, chess—kill me now.
50. My first car was a Peugeot, a hand-me-down from my dad. It was rear-wheel drive and got stuck in half an inch of snow, but man, was it feisty.
51. I’m totally not into cars.
52. I have never liked Saturday Night Live.
53. I started reading when I was three, or so my mom says.
54. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel happy doing whatever it is that I do.
55. Halfway there. Shit, this is harder than I imagined.
56. I panic when I have to tip people; I’m always worried I’m doing the math wrong, and I’m going to end up giving them too little.
57. My father’s father was a cab driver in New York City.
58. My mother’s father was a tailor.
59. My father’s mother has an IQ of like a million.
60. Yes, she has outlived her son.
61. Crying makes me feel good, so long as I don’t catch sight of myself in a mirror.
62. I’ve always wanted to be famous.
63. Teenagers intimidate me. But I find them intriguing as well.
64. See, I could have split that up and made it count for two.
65. I make things harder for myself than they could be.
66. I’m my own worst enemy.
67. I dressed up as my own worst enemy once for Halloween (when I was all grown up and no longer having to comply with my dad’s shtetl restrictions). I had arms coming out of my sweatshirt, strangling me. Nobody got it—even after they asked what I was.
68. Envy. Ugh. I struggle with that.
69. I’m not good at being bossed around.
70. I’m a serious picker, which is why I was bummed that none of my babies had cradle cap.
71. I’m always looking for the right lighting for popping zits.
72. The fitting room I was in today was perfect. I came out looking really blotchy.
73. Once when I was working as a cashier at Doubleday Bookstore in New York, this woman I was ringing up said to me, “Honey, what are you doing to your skin?!”
74. I kind of looked at her like, WTF? Except it was the eighties and we didn’t have that phrase yet.
75. And then she said, “I’m sorry. My husband’s a dermatologist.”
76. I smoked a pack a day for a few years.
77. I quit when I met Stupid Daddy.
78. We were standing in line to see Jackie Brown, and he said, “You know, I’d kiss you a lot more if your breath didn’t reek of cigarettes.” And that was all it took.
79. Now I can’t even be in the same zip code as somebody who is smoking, but oh my god, did I love it back then.
80. I just finished my second beer.
81. Diagramming sentences was one of my favorite assignments in school.
82. Stupid Daddy taught me how to shoot a gun a few years ago, and I kicked ass.
83. I dropped the gun down on the ground when I was done, though, which is apparently a serious no-no.
84. Especially when there are kids around.
85. I really want to be finished with this fucking thing.
86. When I’m about to cry, the inside of my nose starts to sting.
87. So now whenever I find something moving, I touch my nose, and Stupid Daddy knows what it means.
88. I do love that man.
89. I dropped out of cooking school in the first semester.
90. I had a routine (non-fasting) cholesterol test during the first few weeks, when we were doing eggs every which way.
91. It was somewhere in the mid-300s.
92. Scary, right? But I was young and didn’t care. Now I take that shit to heart.
93. Except that I haven’t had my cholesterol tested in almost ten years.
94. But at least I don’t smoke anymore!
95. I hope to age gracefully.
96. It’s not looking good so far.
97. Three more and suddenly everything matters, you know? How many slots did I squander? What tidbits have I left out?
98. It’s a metaphor for something, I think.
99. I love the smell of skunk.
100. I was fluent in Hebrew as a kid, but I’ve forgotten it all. Shalom!