I really can't tell from one hour to the next what my mental/emotional state is going to be. I'm either feeling the love, loving life, living life, loving love, what a wonderful world, etc., or I'm dark and lethargic and brooding, all what-is-the-point existential, hopeless, useless, worthless, tired, blah.
Anyway, I spent the day at home with the kids, angry at myself because all I do is try to make it through, not planning activities, not actively engaging them, just keeping them fed and making sure they don't kill each other, peeking over the domestic wall of today into tomorrow, when they're at school and I've got several uninterrupted hours to myself, and then realizing I'm nothing with them and nothing without them too.
Can you guess which side of the see-saw I'm on right now?
* That's from Liz Phair.
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3 comments:
Sister, I feel you. Sometimes it's just so hard to be present for them, and for myself, too. I find that I'm always trying to get them done with something, so they might go on to the next thing, that next thing that might give me time to do something for me. Then I'm trying to do whatever that is--writing or whatever--and they interrupt me and before you know it I'm not doing for them, and I'm not doing for me; I'm in some sort of purgatory where we're all being neglected. Then we go to the park and Babe-ish stands up for the first time and her brother and sister go wild, whooping and yelling from the top of the jungle gym--proud for the whole playground to see--and all is inner peace again. Go figure.
Girl, I only have one child and I know how you feel. In fact, I think I wrote extensively about this during the first year of my daughter's life. You have most definitely captured it and, if you don't end up in a straightjacket by the end of any given day, then I say you can count yourself a success! Hang in there: You're not alone. This is truly why life is so great!
That is EXACTLY how I feel. Not present enough with my kids, not present enough for myself. Moving from one activity to the next for the sake of getting things done, not really living for the present, savoring it, enjoying it. Sometimes I just give up trying to do anything for myself -- but then I get agitated and resentful. It is so hard to find the perfect medium.
I go up and down, too. Sometimes things are great, but if I try to get anything done it is just so f'n hard. I think it would help if I could hire someone to clean my house, but I don't have the extra money and I would feel kind of like a failure if I did that -- how did stay at home moms do it before us? Whereas I didn't understand before, I now completely understand why many mother's had "nervous breakdowns."
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