bright idea

I think I have a winning idea for a children’s book, geared toward three-to-five-year-old boys: The Incredible Farting Penises.

Here’s the plot: there are two little boys who have penises that they enjoy twisting into pretzels, wrapping around doorknobs, pushing back into their bodies, and waving about for all the world to see. They love to watch their penises pee. They love to pee on each other in the bath tub. They love to pee on each other’s penises in the bath tub. They could talk about their penises forever. They could talk about anyone’s penis—their father’s penis, their friend’s penis, penises they’ve never met before, penises that don’t exist—forever. They have a little sister who DOESN’T HAVE A PENIS, SO STOP LOOKING FOR IT ALREADY!

Then one day, their penises start farting. What fun! The boys feel like they must have died and gone to heaven.

And it turns out they have! They have died and gone to heaven! Because their evil, poopyhead mother was so tired of the penisness of everything that she killed them.